Thoughts of a Narcoleptic Mind

My words if wisdom for this evening.  I see quite a few dwelling posts. By dwelling posts I mean posts by people lamenting on what a good partner you were. I saw posts from people lamenting on how this person is going to miss out or how that person didn't appreciate you. The truth of the matter is it doesn't matter how good a person you are or how well you treated someone, if they weren't ready, they weren't ready. If they didn't feel you were fully compatible then there is no changing that. You can't wish someone into loving you. You can't will someone into loving you. You definitely can't guilt someone into loving you. In fact, why would you want to be with someone you had to force into acting as if they want to be with you. The person meant for you won't need coaxing. The person meant for you will look forward to seeing  your face everyday. The person meant for you will look forward to hearing your voice.  Stop dwelling on the why didn't he/sh

This morning I saw a lady with a scooter and a lot and oh bags sleeping at the bus stop. It made me really emotional and I started reflecting. The end of the year is definitely not favorite time of year, even with my birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas. In September 2013, I was finally diagnosed with Narcolepsy after years of trying to find answers and fighting to keep a job. It was also the time I was told by my doctor that with the severity of my symptoms, I would probably never be able to hold a job full-time. Up until that time I still has hope that once I knew what was wrong with me, it could be fixed. By the next year, November 2014, I had been combination of meds  and my depression had reached its darkest levels. I couldn't keep a job. I felt like a failure as a parent. I just didn't want to be here anymore. After a few days of being intubated in ICU after an overdose, I voluntarily committed myself where I spent a week in the psych ward. Honestly, the experience was r

Facebook asked if I wanted to do a fundraiser for a couple of the Narcolepsy Awareness groups. I do not and I will tell you exactly why. You will never find two people with Narcolepsy who struggle the same. There are varying degrees. There are some fairly high functioning PWN. There are PWN who aren't necessarily high functioning but respond fairly well to treatment, vastly improving their quality of life. There are some PWN who struggle to do simple everyday things. My issue with the more prominent awareness groups is that they are run by the higher functioning individuals.  Because they are higher functioning they don't seem to be able to relate to those who suffer from the more debilitating symptoms. Anytime there is any type of media or information put out, the emphasis is placed on those PWN who push through or overcome "in spite of." My focus are the PWN who can't push through, the PWN who have been alienated, disparaged, or unfairly judged because of their

Good morning my tribe. I just wanted to give you all a reminder that you are the ish.  There are a lot of posts and videos out there by plenty a self proclaimed gurus. There are questions a plenty about things like, "What do you bring to the table." You will see, and hear answers like highly educated, high income earner, athletic build, blah blah blah. Well, my PSA for the day is that you don't have to possess these attributes to be the shit. I see you. I see your resilience. I see your strength.  I see your determination  to never give in, no matter how tempting it may be. Sometimes you might come close, but in the end you always find your way back. I see the unwavering love you have for those close to you. I see the loyalty.  I see the empathy.  I see the humanity. I see the light in you that sometimes dwindles down to a tiny flame, only to burst back up like a glorious Phoenix out of the ashes. I see your ability to take your tears of sadness and frustration and turn t

Baby Girl continuously breaks my heart. This morning she said she doesn't like school, because sometimes all she wants to do is sleep. People think I am paranoid, but I am the one who has lived with this. I know what it is to have my complaints dismissed. Yesterday, I saw my youngest daughter also struggling. She is already being scheduled. People say, "Well you work and deal with it. She will learn." The thing is, I shouldn't have to. Noone should have to. I do it, but I swear on everything in me, I would never, ever wish my daily struggles on anyone. Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it is a daily battle. I am not seeking pity, because I am strong and I am proud of that strength. I wouldn't be the person I am if it weren't for my battles. Make no mistake though, if it is in my power to make sure future generations don't have to do this, I will. All I ask is that people be more cognizant of what they say. Some of the things that may be m

I know I sound like a broken record, but I really believe most people underestimate how debilitating Narcolepsy is. I don't just mean physically, but mentally too. My cognitive functioning is so impaired that I will literally forget how to get where I am going in the middle of driving. I honestly don't know how I managed before Google Maps. There have been times when I have driven to the grocery store and forgotten how to get there while driving. I have driven down roads and gotten confused because I didn't recognize where I was, even though I had driven down that same road dozens upon dozens of times before. Google Maps really is my best friend. Even if I think I know where I am going, I still use Maps.

Can you see what lies beyond Enamored by an aesthetic vision Are you able to breathe in all of the colors that make her not just pretty, but perfectly blend to make her an imperfect masterpiece She is one of many colors She is the color of strength, resiliency, and determination She is the color of passion, compassion, empathy, and understanding She wears her colors proudly, but do you really see them because she will only acknowledge those with the willingness to acknowledge the beauty that lies beyond

I would like to think that I have a very good sense of humor. I would like to think I am not overly sensitive,but sometimes I wish people would be more careful with their statements. People love to make snide comments about people who take the bus, people who are in housing, people who are homeless, people who are jobless, etc, like it makes them lowly. I have been through all of these and I am struggling just to finish out the next year, before I stop working again. Almost everyone who knows me knows I have been through battles. Most know I spent a brief stint in the psychiatric ward after attempting suicide. I let others views and standards let me get to a point where I felt worthless, like I was burdensome and it broke me. Almost everyone who knows me knows that I have been homeless, sleeping out in the Haven for Hope courtyard with drug addicts and ex cons. I have learned to refuse to be ashamed of anything I  have gone through because I know most people that talk shit, could never

I don't know how many times I have had this conversation. Yes, I can push myself to try to be productive for a bit, but there are sooooo many things that people do everyday without thinking about, that put me in a bad place. Some days, I can't wash dishes without using a chair. Most days, I am late for work because no matter how early I force myself to wake up, it still might be two hours before I can really force myself to move. Making a trip to HEB can drain me for the rest of the day. I have to choose my tasks wisely, and I won't lie, my apartment isn't all spotless. It can take me several weeks to finish putting up my laundry. I barely cook anymore because it is just too much on my body. But know this; I am by far from lazy. People like me aren't lazy. It takes a strength and a determination to push through that most people will never understand. I get that. But for those like me, those pushing through, know that you are amazing. You are strong. You are worthy.