Dream 2

I know I haven't been blogging in awhile,  but sometimes you have those experiences you just have to write about. This is one of those.
Many if you may not be familiar with lucid dreams. They are very vivid dreams in which you actually feel like you have stepped into the dream. It is like 3D times a thousand. I think it is actually more like stepping into an alternate reality because you feel like you are actually living the dream.
I just had once such dream and all I can say is, it just took so much from me that my emotions are in a jumble.
I lost my mother last December. It was the first time in my 46 years that I lost someone I really loved. Some of you who know me may say what about my father, but we won't even begin to go into that.
I have had lucid dreams before, but never a lucid dream inside of a lucid dream and never one that affected me so deeply. I swear it was as if my mother had never left this earth and her passing was the dream. I am not even sure where to begin with this one. I am not even sure what the beginning was. Imagine you are riding in the car on the expressway,  talking to your mother texting your teenage daughter who is giving you the blues just like a regular everyday event. Imagine the feeling of finding yourself at her old house, the house you spent countless of holidays at, the house where you took endless pictures of your children laughing,  playing and being held by their grandmother. Imagine being next to the washer and dryer rearranging items so she can wash and helping her carry things away. Then your youngest daughter, now a teenager comes to use your phone, because who knows why she can't use hers. You aren't just dreaming these moments. You are living them, really living them. Your mother is there with you, and then you remember,  wait, this can't be. I can't be in her old house. She sold it. Wait, maybe it was just rented out. She moved back in. Then you wake up, but when you wake up, your mother still walks into the room and it hits you. This can't be real. This can't  be happening and the devastating feeling of loss comes back over you. It is different from the first time though. Both losses are indescribable but this is a different indescribable because it is like she was actually back with you and you don't want to let her go but you know that you can't stay in this dream state forever, but you can't leave it either. You feel yourself slipping back into reality. Your body is waking but your brain is holding out, trapped in that state between two different realities. Even, in the dream I could feel myself reaching out, needing to call my friend Jamaica, just needing to connect with someone. We have such a spotty history, so I am not sure why, but I guess we do have some kind of bond.
Anyway, here I am still left with this heavy feeling on my heart, on my soul. I am not certain if their is some psychological whatever behind it. Maybe it us the fact that I was near the neighborhood where her old house used to be for the first time since before she passed. Who knows.
I do know that lucid dreams can be a blessing and the can be a curse. They can be a wonderful escape or something you need to escape from. This one, I won't categorize it. I actually feel like I was with my mom. It felt like the furthest thing from a dream. I am grateful,  but burdened at the same time. Again, it is not something you can explain,  because once you enter that in between where reality sets in, it is not a warm fuzzy feeling.
Well, now that I have expressed my feelings, although rather inadequately, I am going to try to proceed with the rest of my day while the remnants of my previous dream still seem to be draped about me.
Love you all. Be blessed and always appreciate the ones you love while they are with you.

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