Coming to Terms

Please lift me up in prayer. Those that know me well know I have always busted my butt. My life has revolved around my two daughters, who mean the world to me, and my responsibilities. I have worked through Bronchitis, Upper Respiratory Infections, etc. I have always been about doing What needed to be done to get the bills paid and provide a roof for my children. I always imagined working until old age for some big corporation. True, I always knew something wasn't right. I saw doctor after doctor, specialist after specialist thinking, "I will get fixed and continue working and all will be right with the world." It never occurred to me that I would be diagnosed with a chronic, incurable illness. It was like a big punch in the gut being told I would probably have to stop working. It actually took almost being fired to realize how serious it really was. A year later, however, I am still not completely out of the denial stage. I am still pushing myself, but I think I have finally pushed beyond my limits. I am still working, but it is nearly impossible to make it through a whole day without several attacks. You keep pushing though because you have to pay bills until you realize one day you just don't have enough push left. You have children who need you and if you push until you collapse, what about them? You give the push over to God. You let His strength become yours and you see how strong your faith really is. It is a scary decision. There are so many conflicting emotions that go along with chronic illnesses. There is the aforementioned denial. There is the guilt you feel for not being able to overcome. In your head, you know it is beyond your control but there is always that part that thinks, maybe if I just keep pushing....... Then there are relationships. You would love to meet that special person who would be there for you unconditionally but can't imagine bringing anyone into your world to share your burden. The different feelings and emotions are enough to wear you down by themselves. Do I push or do I pause. It is time to turn it over to God and let His strength be my strength.

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