This morning I saw a lady with a scooter and a lot and oh bags sleeping at the bus stop. It made me really emotional and I started reflecting. The end of the year is definitely not favorite time of year, even with my birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas. In September 2013, I was finally diagnosed with Narcolepsy after years of trying to find answers and fighting to keep a job. It was also the time I was told by my doctor that with the severity of my symptoms, I would probably never be able to hold a job full-time. Up until that time I still has hope that once I knew what was wrong with me, it could be fixed.
By the next year, November 2014, I had been combination of meds  and my depression had reached its darkest levels. I couldn't keep a job. I felt like a failure as a parent. I just didn't want to be here anymore. After a few days of being intubated in ICU after an overdose, I voluntarily committed myself where I spent a week in the psych ward. Honestly, the experience was really good for me. Being around other people like me made me feel much less vulnerable an not so useless.
Then, in December 2014, I lost my mother. She was the only person in this world that I truly knew I could depend on. She was the most giving person that I have ever, and probably will ever know.
2015, I was still really struggling to try to work. I was working the clubs on weekend with a part-time job during the week. I think I had been denied disabily twice and had just been denied in my first of three hearings. I couldn't pay my bills and by August, I was that homeless lady. I was blessed enough that I had someplace to send my daughters and my granddaughter to. There were a few nights that I was on that bench or looking for some out of the way place to seek shelter, that wasn't out in the open. I eventually went to Haven, which I wasn't a whole lot better. My first week there one of the guys took me under his wing. I remember being told what people to avoid, because they would have me on some motel room trying to pimp me to the highest bidder. Some things were in storage, but I had my little backpack with at least a week work of clothes. One day soon , I will get to work on that book. The stories I have to tell......The one person who I spent the most time with just left me there, so my trust issues took an even bigger nose dive. "Sure, I was sleeping outside in a courtyard with drug addicts and people just released from jail, but hey."
But fortunately, through everything, the one thing noone can ever say about me is that I am not resilient af. My persistence and resourcefulness is what got me my diagnosis. My determination is what got me out of that courtyard. My refusal to give up, when Social Security kept saying no is what finally got my approval for disability and other than my online support group, I had no support system.
In spite of everything, I am not going to complain because I have so much more to be grateful. I have been caught up, so I kind of abandoned the need to do more work with the homeless. I am going to try to restart that soon. I have just four months left on my contract with AACOG. When that is up, I am recommitting to that along with Narcolepsy Awareness.
There are a lot of people out there who are like me. They are no less deserving of the blessings that so many of you take for granted everyday. There are so many people who are struggling, and it isn't because of laziness, or lack of desire or initiative. A lot of people in the courtyard would be up at 4, 5, or 6 in the morning, get their sack lunches and be off to work.
I don't knock anyone the fruits of their labor. You work hard; you should enjoy your life. I just hope that you aren't looking down on others because they don't place as much value on a lot of the superficial stuff. Enjoy what you have, but don't forget to be humble.
I am grateful now, because I do believe I have at least several friends who would never let me go through any of what I have gone through again. And I hope they all know how thankful I am. ❤️❤️❤️❤️You all, along with my children and grandchildren are my heart, my soul, and a big part of my being.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Narcolepsy: Idiocy vs Actuality

Today I was reading an article that a very special person took the time out of her life for. She took the time to let strangers see what it is like for her everyday living with Narcolepsy. It was not something she had to do but something she wanted to do in an effort to increase awareness.  Being PWN's, (persons with Narcolepsy ) we already know there is a stigma attached to the disease.  Yes, it is officially classified as an auto-immunological disease as well as a neurological disorder.  I digress.  Anyhow, after getting my official diagnosis,  I began hearing all the want to be doctors give their assessments and opinions of what I needed to do and I just brushed it off. Reading some of the comments that I read this evening though were just on a whole other level, especially coming from complete strangers, so I am going to clarify some things. Where should I begin? I think I will start with weight gain. Most PWN do not gain weight because they are too lazy t...
Read more

Formation Represents Self Recognition

I can't say I am the biggest Beyonce fan. Sure, I like some of her music, and I respect the fact that she works hard, but that is about the extent of it. I think she is human,  just like the rest of us, with maybe a tad bit too much exposure. Well, recently, Beyonce stunned the world,  yet again, by releasing another surprise single titled Formation. It is a very visually creative piece that possesses quite a few social undertones. Now whether people are stans, simply fans, or not a fan at all,  the video certainly has people talking. And as with pretty much most of today's race related topics, the issue of blacks seperating themselves has become a subject of conversation. Also, there are some who question the timing and the motivation of the video. There are those who think it is just another calculated business move. There are some who praise it for touching on areas that are greatly in need of social change. Regardless of intent, there is a deep message in the vi...
Read more

I Will Not Apologize

People get upset when I say that they can't possibly understand what it is like to live with a chronic illness unless you share that illness. They don't always understand that reading about and researching it isn't the same as living it. People don't understand that Narcolepsy and Cataplexy are a part of me and and they dictate, not me, a lot of my responses. I can see how it might be hard to understand that I am not brushing off or ignoring situations because I don't respond the way I should. I get that it is hard to comprehend that my seemingly lack if emotion is a necessity for me to make it through. It is as automatic to me as breathing and it us NOT going to change. Narcolepsy is an awful illness but coupled with Cataplexy, it can be almost unbearable if you don't make some unnatural adjustments. I can't show you what it feels like. If you don't have it, all I can do is try to give you a glimpse. Imagine if every time someone at work frustrated yo...
Read more